UNITED NATIONS. N.Y. SMILES

 

1 JULY 2013

N.Y. SMILES

A New Yorker friend sent us a collection of summertime smiling quips by New York's great comedians like Groucho Marx, Jack Benny, Rodney Dangerfield, Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar and others:

"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!"

"Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she goes shopping."

"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a room with a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."

"The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months."

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer."

"She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off."

"The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why some women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now."

A man called his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, said the mother, "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She answered: "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
Son: "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in case you called."

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What play is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."